


Holy Cow

by Thors_Spirit_Wolf



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Yoda is a Troll, from a certain point of view, umm it got better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2020-05-15 12:03:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19295359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thors_Spirit_Wolf/pseuds/Thors_Spirit_Wolf
Summary: Next up on Star Wars The Clone Wars: Anakin, Ahsoka, and the rest of the 501st have landed on Geonosis to find the separatists’ lost cows.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All that I’m gonna say is don’t ask, because you don’t want to know.

Anakin regretted taking on this assignment.

 

A droid factory in Geonosis was reactivated, and when the Council needed someone to go and investigate, a cabin fevered Anakin gladly volunteered, forgetting that his troopers actually did things in their free time.

 

His regret had manifested into the physical form of a headache. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he turned back to look at his troopers.

 

When they boarded the Twilight he hadn’t expected what he got. What he got was a drunk Jesse and Fives.

 

“Echo, do you know what they’re saying?” Anakin asked, turning towards his thankfully sober soldiers.

 

“Sir, they’re not speaking in another language. Apparently they’re speaking in Indian accents.” Echo said.

 

Rex scrunched up his face. “What the hell is an Indian accent?”

 

“It’s like people from Coruscant versus people from Corellia speaking in basic. Their voices sound different.”

 

Ahsoka also looked up. “So what’s India?”

 

Anakin looked at the information on the screen in front of him. “Looks like some city or something on a planet called Earth.”

 

A frustrated Kix walked out of the room they had trapped Fives and Jesse in. “And what the hell is Earth? Why haven’t I heard of it before?”

 

“It’s in a galaxy far far away.” Anakin waved his hand dismissively.

 

Everyone stopped talking as Jesse and Fives’ drunken Indian accented voices decided to say more words.

 

“Echo, translate!”

 

Echo sighed. “We told you sir, they’re not speaking another language.”

 

“They’re… talking about finding the missing cows on Geonosis.” Kix said.

 

“Look, we’re landing soon, and I don’t want them doing something stupid. Hardcase, keep an eye on them. When we get back we’ll talk about the whole Geonosisian separatist cow thing.”

 

Hardcase nodded. “Roger roger.” Rex growled.

 

Had Hardcase not been wearing his helmet, maybe Anakin would’ve seen the mischievous glint in the hyperactive Clone’s eyes.

 

~

 

Hardcase grinned as Fives and Jesse walked out of the room.

 

Jesse smirked. “If only they checked to see if we were actually drunk.”

 

Gathering their weapons and putting on their helmets, they were off.

 

While Skywalker searches Geonosis for the droid factory, they have their own search. After all, Geonosis was hiding the missing cows.

 

~

 

As Anakin and Ahsoka approached the droid factory, they stopped.

 

“Master, did you feel that?” Anakin nodded.

 

Rex looked confused. “Sir, feel what?”

 

“A disturbance in the force.”

 

Kix called Hardcase, hoping to warn him about what could be impending danger. He growled, frustrated when he got no response.

 

“He won’t answer. Let’s head back. If he found danger, so did our ship.”

 

~

 

Jesse couldn’t deny that he was surprised when Fives managed to make a very convincing moo.

 

One that apparently told the cows where to go, because here they were, in the old arena where Jango Fett died, with a whole flock of cows wanting a place to live.

 

“So… we take them back, right?” Hardcase asked. Fives nodded, and with a moo, the cows were following them back to their ship.

 

Jesse cleared his throat. “So, you speak cow?”

 

Fives smirked. “Yeah, took some classes at Kamino college.”

 

Hardcase and Jesse laughed, the latter slapping Fives’ shoulder. Hardcase patted his head, and then they were off, taking the missing cows back to the ship and hopefully to a good home.

 

~

 

“Did Hardcase not answer? Did he turn off his communicator, what’s going on.” Rex asked.

 

Kix growled. “He kriffing turned it off. So did Jesse and Fives.”

 

Soon enough, they got back to the ship. Walking in, Anakin really regretted taking this mission.

 

“Hey guys!” Hardcase waved, then fell as the cow he was propped against walked away.

 

“Fives! What did Snuckel say?!” Jesse asked from what Anakin assumed was somewhere behind Hardcase.

 

“He said the general needs some milk!”

 

Anakin pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to release all of his rage into the force. However, it’s hard to not keep all of it when the only one who isn’t laughing is Kix.

 

“What. In the actual _Kriff_. Did you do?!”

 

Jesse and Hardcase looked sheepish. Fives mooed to the cows. Soon enough, they were distracted by the cows again.

 

“That meant hold on right?” Hardcase asked. Fives smiled.

 

“Yes. Soon enough we’ll be the only clones to speak cow!”

 

Ahsoka’s, Echo’s and Rex’s eyes lit up.

 

“Teach us please!”

 

Fives looked at Hardcase and Jesse before giving them an apologetic smile. “Sorry. Cows before bros.”

 

They looked disappointed, with Echo giving his batchmate a glare that didn’t hold much venom in it. “I’ll remember this Fives.”

 

Jesse patted his shoulder. “Come on. Let it be a family thing.”

 

Fives nodded. “Tomorrow morning will be your first lesson. For now, we need to head back. Snuckel and his family need a nice home.”

 

Kix and Anakin sighed, resigned to their fate. “Fine. But we’re learning as well Fives.” Kix stated. Fives nodded, smiling at his brother.

 

“Wait, so you weren’t drunk?” Ahsoka asked.

 

Jesse shook his head and smirked. “Nope.”

 

Anakin _yet again_ pinched his nose. “The council won’t take this well.”

 

~

 

Obi-wan was biting his lip so hard he was surprised it wasn’t bleeding.

 

The situation was ridiculous and yet so Anakin that he had to try so hard not to lose it and die by laughing too hard in front of the council.

 

That would be embarrassing. But not as embarrassed as Anakin felt.

 

Mace Windu shook his head, wondering if he heard that right.

 

“So… Fives speaks cow, and will teach you and your troopers how to speak cow. And the cows’ leader, who apparently wants to marry Fives but Rex won’t let it-”

 

“His name is Snuckel! And he was joking!” Fives yelled as Rex pulled him into a side hug. Jesse wolf whistled before Ahsoka slapped him.

 

“And they want a safe place to stay. On Coruscant. So they can continue to see you.”

 

Anakin nodded. “I know it sounds crazy, but the troopers like them. And better them here than on Geonosis, or with the separatists.”

 

Yoda raised his hand, looking ready to reject the idea, but stopped.

 

The clones had their hands on their blasters, and had all taken a defensive position, guarding the cows who also looked ready to attack.

 

He wondered if Anakin or Ahsoka realized that they had their hands on their lightsabers.

 

Plo Koon, Obi-wan, and Aayla Secura all started laughing. Kit Fisto and Luminara Unduli soon joined in. Even Mace Windu was chuckling.

 

Yoda sighed, letting out a chuckle of his own as he accepted his fate.

 

“Fine. Stay, the cows will. But take care of them, you must.”

 

The room erupted in cheers and applause, from the 501st, from the council, and from the cows.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hung out with some friends and, uh, part two was born

Plo eyed his commander worryingly.

 

“Commander Wolffe.” Wolffe stood at attention, but he was more relaxed than usual. “Are you feeling alright?”

 

They continued walking. They were on Felucia with Aayla’s unit.

 

Wolffe smirked. “Of course general.” He said, sporting a thick country accent.

 

He tipped his gray cowboy hat.

 

Behind his mask, Plo raised an eyebrow, confused.

 

Soon enough, they met with Aayla and the 327th.

 

Bly smiled, his helmet also discarded for a yellow cowboy hat. “Mornin’ One-Eyed Willy.” His accent also had a Texas vibe, another accent that was on the unknown Earth.

 

Wolffe smirked. “Ah’ told you not to call me that.”

 

Bly laughed. Both their Generals and their units were confused.

 

~

 

Anakin smirked at Ahsoka’s expression.

 

Tongue out as she glared at Rex and Fox, who were really starting to grate on her nerves.

 

“Then ah’ threw the frisbee, yellin’ ‘Ah’m a Cowboy!’” Rex laughed as Fox told his tale.

 

“Ah’ remember that. Then Hardcase threw one at your head!”

 

Fox pouted. “Not the highlight of that trip.”

 

Fox had a cowboy hat in the Coruscant Guard red. Rex’s was 501st Blue. Both were talking in cowboy accents while all four of them ate lunch.

 

Finally, Ahsoka turned to Anakin. “Master! What’s going on!”

 

Anakin laughed. “I don’t know, but I’m loving it!”

 

~

 

Gree, with a dark green hat, Ponds, with a dusty orange hat, and Cody, with a gold-orange hat, were all discussing the 501st’s cows while walking through Alderaan, guarding Senator Bail Organa. They, too, had country accents.

 

Luminara turned toward Mace. “Do you understand what they’re saying?”

 

Mace shook his head. “No. But I heard that other commanders are doing the same thing.”

 

Obi-wan nodded. “Anakin told me they’re still speaking basic. Just with cowboy accents, which is also from Earth.”

 

Luminara and her Padawan, Barriss, calmly turned toward Obi-wan, flabbergasted.

 

“How would he know that?” Barriss asked. Obi-wan opened his mouth to answer, but didn’t, because someone answered for him.

 

“He had Echo and Tup trace it again.” Bail smirked.

 

The act ended the next morning, and no one talked about what had happened, just wanting everything to return to normal.

 

~

 

Yoda smirked at all of the commanders he had surrounding him.

 

“Understand your goal, do you, gentlemen?” He asked, waving his gimmer stick at them.

 

The commanders smirked. “Sir yes Sir. Act like cowboys for the whole day.” Wolffe responded.

 

Yoda nodded. “Good. Off now, you go. Hats to buy, you must.”


End file.
